I miss my campus days. They were awesome, well…..apart from the power blackouts, perennial brokenness, impromptu CATS, early morning Graphic Design lessons, exams and lectures who made simple things such as English sound more complicated than Human Anatomy. I miss the simple life of being a student, skiving classes because I could. Out here, I have to go to work come rain come shine. I miss the ‘Monday Breakout’ radio show that I co-hosted with my friends Alice, Stella and Richie on Moi University FM. I miss the affordability of life in Kesses, shopping at Mabbz with my pals, it was a shopping paradise by the way. I miss the crazy house parties and clubbing with my friends, they were a complete lituation. I miss the 411 sessions at my friend’s places. But the thing I miss most, my girlfriends.
They say that every clique of chics has a yellow yellow, Ciku was our yellow yellow. She would make a great sales person, I have to admit. This chic could convince you to do anything….like change from your pajamas into a sexy dress and head out for a girls night out. Caro, a cool chic who knew all the latest trends and had a high business acumen. We used to call each other ‘Kuku Mgonjwa’ when we were in first year. I thought she was shy like me but she proved me wrong. Lulu, she was the hostess with the mostest, had great taste and an ardent love for miniature things. Mwasio, poise, empathetic listener and adviser. Ruth quiet and shy, never used to say much. Nancy, a fun loving chic who laughed a lot. Cate, this chic had her sh*t together, I want to be like her when I grow up. Fenun, she was a rib cracker who knew everyone in campus. If a guy was hitting on you and you needed a factual background check, trust Fenun to deliver a legit job. There is nothing as good as a relationship that begins from a point of knowledge, trust me! And finally Lynn, coolest roommate ever, we were inseparable from first year and got along really well despite our different personalities. She was a makeup artist extraordinaire and gave super great advice. Ladies, you are duly missed, we should reunite sometime. We can’t let distance and jobs come in between us ama vipi?
Today’s piece however, is about the different kinds of guys who will hit on you at this stage of life. Let’s get straight to it:
- The Village Boy
You don’t need a glasses to see that he is from the country side. You also don’t need a compass to know which part of the 254 he hails from because his accent speaks for itself. He will pursue you tirelessly and never take no for an answer. He will regularly visit your hostel in his Sunday best (read mushaino suit). He is not your type but there is something moving about his persistence.
This one is dangerous. He lives larger than a normal campus student but the source of his income is and will always be shrouded in deep mystery. Being the campus chic you are, you will fall for his charm and reality will dawn on you the day he will con you.
A potbellied creature with an insatiable appetite for your succulent body, never mind that he is twice your age. He will tell you that he needs your youthful hands to rub his pot belly after odious boardroom wars and lengthy lectures from his nagging wife. The bonus of dating this one is the luxurious life he is willing to provide.
- Future Tenant of Heaven
He dreams about the pearly gates every single night, how Angel Micheal will receive him with open arms into the house of his Father, the color of the gown he will wear as he sings Hosanna to The Most High. He will always be telling you about the fury furnace in hell with such vivid description, you will be forgiven to think that he was the architect of the damn thing. He heads the intercessory, choir, young men association, welfare association, pretty much every association in his church apart from the one that is strictly for ladies.
- Weed Baron
He supplies hands down the best weed in this side of the Sahara…………well, that is what people say. He is always invited to every house party. Rumor has it that he uses and supplies other stronger drugs but there has never been evidence to prove it. He is normally unkempt and loves Ridim like Mugabe loves power.
- Team Mafisi Sacco Chairman Emeritus
Well, this guy is the Oga at the top of the famous Sacco. He is also the self-appointed legal counsel and chief of recruitment. There are two types of this kind: the one who is ‘purely’ honest about his intentions, like he wants to smash and doesn’t hide it. Then the one who comes with ‘pure’ intentions, this one is hatari bin danger. The thing about this type is he kisses and tells. Whether he uses protection in his numerous amorous conquests is yet to be discovered.
- The Married man
You will probably meet him during attachment. He has a young family and will get really mad when reject him as if all married men are entitled to date campus girls. He will shower you with empty promises and endless narratives of his terrible wife, poor thing, a saint in the claws of the wicked witch he has for a wife. I hear he has become very popular nowadays.
- Mr. I Got you Covered
He has symptoms of the ‘Knight in Shining Armor’ Syndrome. He is dying for you to be his damsel distress so that he can save you. The problem is, if when you have no problems to be saved from, he will bring you the problems then save you from them. Like he will steal your valuable HP laptop then return it back. He wants you need him all the time, that’s his language of love.
- Your Brother’s/Cousin’s Best Friend
According to the Rules of Human Interaction Chapter 11, under “Relations With Your Best Friend’s Sister or Cousin,” it is utterly villainous to sexually desire your best friend’s sister or cousin, but he is not bound by such barbaric rules. He will proceed to pursue the apple of his eye and because forbidden love is irresistible, he might be lucky.
- The Baby Daddy
His sole mission is to fill the earth, so he spends a great deal of time searching for the fertile womb that would carry his next child. He gloats about his kids all the time on social media although am not so sure if he provides for them, but, si kids are a blessing?
- The Student Leader
Obama and Martin Luther are his heroes. Dating him predisposes you to directly benefitting from the monies allocated to the student kitty, how awesome! He has a huge cultic following and chics throw it to him like all the time. Don’t be surprised when he pauses while you are getting intimate to remind of a great quote by Malcom X after all, grandiloquence is the mark of a great leader these days.
- The Rude Bwoy
He is a sort of a chauvinist but has a quality that keeps them girls coming, like good looks, money or social influence. His ego can’t take rejection and he is always right. A relationship with him is synonymous with misery.
- The Nice Guy
He genuinely loves and cares for you. You guys have a unique bond and you like him but not the way he wants you to like him. Common sense dictates that you should take him to meet your mother but in the whimsical game of love, there is no room for common sense. He goes the extra mile for you but the problem with us humans is that we were designed to be ungrateful, ask The Son Of Man. We take you for granted your entire life only to thank you amid uncontrollable sobs while you are at the comfort of your casket. Tenda wema nenda zako baba! I hear that the nice guy usually gets the last laugh but it’s more of like, he who laughs last, didn’t get the joke.
- The stingy Guy
Dude loves to cut on costs and Magufuli is his hero, that all I can say.
- The Gym Enthusiast
He has a great body. Physical fitness is his life mantra. The thing is many other girls love his great body too and you are less likely to see past his attractive exterior.
- The Bookworm
He scores top grades and spends his time in the library. You guys probably share courses or units. If you care about your grades don’t lock him out.
There is a woman for every type of man so choose carefully.