It was a Friday evening, I was walking from work to the bus stop with my mind on a Facebook inbox from a certain dude, who felt that the article I did on types of guys who will hit on you in campus was unfair……..to the guys. Because my footsubishi is super-fast (and I say this proudly), I walked past the guy walking in front of me. He was donning a denim shirt and khaki pants. His hair looked like each strand was a sworn enemy of the comb and he was slightly taller than me. A few minutes later, he overtook me and turned to me with a sly smile plastered on his face. “Okeeeey Mr Man, issa competition you want?” I thought to myself, so I walked faster and overtook him again. The stupid race continued to the bus stop and I realized it was a really doltish game because we boarded the same matatu anyway. If this guy was a car owner, he would probably own a Subaru and I am not judging because I would probably own the same car model.
Anyway, back to the Facebook inbox. The sender insisted that I should do a similar article for chics, but I told him I can’t because no chic ever hit on me in campus, at least not overtly. That did not make him back down though, he insisted that I do something about campus chics. I know there are other things to write about like the presidential debate or even LeBron James’ dramatic father but this week the reader’s wish shall be my command and without any further ado:
1. Holy Jo
This chic is going straight to heaven and there is nothing you can do about it. He ideal man is saved and deep in the spirit, so forget about her ye party animal! Non-believers shall not be yoked with believers, you don’t need illustrations to get that point, do you?
2. High Maintance Diva
Hapa nikumenden my fren! If you can’t give her what she deserves, nikuchujwa my fren! She wants a guy who can finance her lifestyle! Period! So go ahead and shower her with love (read money) but don’t ever imagine, not even in your wildest dreams that you are the only one. Ka si ganji, nani tembea!
3. Hapana Tambua
As the name suggests, she is completely oblivious of what is going on around her. Always lost in this utopic world of hers. This is the type of chic who will report to school when there is a lecturer’s strike or even fail to know the most popular student leader. I can even bet that she doesn’t know the elections are being held this year.
4. Disaster Management
She has a horrendous sense of fashion. Her favorite outfit is the zebra print pants, paired with the leopard print top, then complimented with a bright yellow half coat, a tired purple weave and shiny Kenya uniform heels. Her makeup makes the Naija film witch doctors look like angels. The thing I love about her, is the confidence with which she commits these fashion atrocities, it manages her disastrous fashion taste spectacularly well.
5. Miss Perfect
A perfect blend of beauty and brains. She has the poise of Michelle Obama, Amal Clooney and Margaret Kenyatta combined. Oozes class like she is being paid and every dude wants to bed her. She has deranged haters who have tried relentlessly to spread nasty rumors about her like her abusive boyfriend or her ‘special’ relationship with a certain young lecturer but these rumors backfire because she is friggin perfect!
6. The Fashionista
Her sense of fashion is bold. She dresses like she is going for a fashion show. Always the first one to rock new trends and it’s sad that she is always misconstrued for a high maintenance diva yet that gorgeous top she is wearing could be costing 20 bob. You are lucky if you get a roommate like her.
7. The Hustler
Has a high business acumen and is always selling some merchandise or the other. Strong willed and every semester she either has a new trade, or has expanded her products and services range. Go girl!
She is the don, when it comes to matters of gossip milling, processing and distribution. Aint a thing in that campus that she doesn’t know. Woe unto you if the dramatic details of your relationship land in her ear because, she will not only spread the word, but she will also use your case study to advise others. A self-proclaimed relationship counsel by the way.
A simple village girl in pursuit of higher education. Lakini wacha achanuke! Heheeee! Ebindu vichenjanga!
10. Miss Independent
She has them finances and is also financing the lifestyle of another male student (read boyfriend). She probably hails from a well to do family or is a certified hustler who makes really great financial investments. The sad thing is that most guys attracted to her, only pursue her for her money.
11. The party Animal
This one is on turn up mode 24/7. If she is not nursing a hangover, then she is planning a bash. In fact she is always in the organizing committee of every hot party in campus. She is the pundit of ratchetness, but don’t judge her too harshly because she may not be as bad as you think.
12. Pan Tambua
She has a strong physique as is quick to discipline errant people……..like the chic eyeing or rumored to be eyeing her boyfriend. When around her, leta nyef nyef at your own peril. I don’t know how true the rumor that she beats up her boyfriend is, so I will not talk much about that.
Her goal is to get that first class and she is focused. She could be class rep, or dating the class rep, or super great friends with the class rep.
14. The Student Leader
She is tough and a feminist too. May have features that makes the male student population elect and re-elect her like a heavenly derriere but one thing is for sure, dirty student politics doesn’t scare her one bit.
15. The Tom Boy
She has no time for feminine dressing. A free spirit who lives and loves her life. People talk about her sexuality in hushed tones but she doesn’t give a gosh dorn what people think.
16. Drama Queen
Grandiosity is her daily bread! Date her when in need of some drama to spice up your lackluster life. It will be worth every second.
17. Mke Mwema
‘Bae mambo yote‘ is her life mantra. The Proverbs 31 woman has nothing on her when it comes to the things she will do for her man. I hear that she skives classes to wash and cook for him. There is also a rumor that she aborted his child because he told her that big girls like her should know how to use contraception, sad right? But even more sadder is that, reality normally dawns on her on graduation day when her name is as visible on the graduation list as Kamwana was at the 2017 presidential debate.
18. The wannabe
She is suffering from a chronic identity crisis and has a hopeless and fervid crave for attention. That is why she will get into late class wearing ill fitting, sky high, noisy heels. Don’t be shocked when you spot her at the library at 7.00pm reading with sunglasses on. This type is really common among first years.
But despite the many types of chics in campus, there are two types I totally respect, the one who wore her graduation gown holding her baby. It takes a strong woman to manage a pregnancy, baby care and books and the true friend who held you down no matter what.