At this rate, I think that I may need to start smoking or drinking substances that trigger creative juices because this is too much. So, after a lot of thinking, this week, I have decided to share how last week went for me:
I get to work after hop, step and jump kind of walking along Ngong road, now that it has become pedestrian unfriendly due the construction works. In fact, I almost slide and fall but thank God a certain construction worker holds me in his strong arms and saves me. God bless you sir! After alighting from the matatu I meet this guy who I normally bump into every morning to work. We stare at each other as usual and I wonder what goes on his mind every time we meet because for me, I like his glasses’ frames. I will gather courage one day and ask him where he got those (shy girl problems). Today is my cousin Nyangi’s Birthday so I wish her a happy one immediately after settling in my desk. The day is quite OK and in the evening when I get home, I find the birthday girl already in the house. We normally listen to music together so I beg her to let me be the DJ, but because she is stubborn, she insists on making the playlist. We debate on what to listen to for a few minutes. I finally give in because, today is her birthday and birthday girls should have their way. Nyangi picks a mix by a certain DJ whose name I can’t remember. Dude has ‘Thitima’ chants all over the Catholic song, ‘Uninyunyuzie Maji.’ All I can say is, “Nyangi, you are wicked!”
I publish the very first featured post on my blog courtesy of pettybrat after a long battle with self-doubt and article disloyalty (some people call it a writer’s block). Salary has not yet hit my account. I know this because I haven’t heard anyone mentioning salary payments. Yaani, the accountant has decided to screw us like this? Especially me? After the funny memes I sent him throughout the weekend on WhatsApp so that he would sort salaries first thing on Monday? Isorait. I am now the queen of brokedom and I sulk when he greets me in the morning because, you don’t do that to your friends meeeen! Since I haven’t embraced mobile banking in anyway, (this helps me to save, imagine having all your chums an MPESA transaction away, that’s too scary) I purpose to check my account balance on my way home. I listen to Khaligraph’s Embesha as I work. I don’t know why I always play this song when am broke. I am really hoping to see a Gerald Langiri new shitisode trailer but no, there is no new release yet. On my way home, I meet this guy who unleashes a big yawn that makes me wonder when the last time he saw food was. I hear yawns are contagious but this one, I can’t, back to sender please.
I get a call from my dad during the mid-morning hours. I receive it thinking that he could be calling because his Whats App has expired or he is being faced with some technological hitch. Turns out the old man was just checking on me (aaaaaaaaaw). He asks me how work is and I ask him about his project. We share some jokes and as before he hangs up the call he says, “I love you dear!” (Double aaaaaaaaaw). That has such an effect on my heart. I can never get enough of that dear. I love you too Papa! Over lunch hour, I read Paula Norah’s new post, I love how this chic writes. A mutual friend ever said we are like twins, I have never met her in person, so I am not sure of what we share but it’s always a pleasure to drop by peperlife. By the way Paula, I would love to be featured on your blog once this writer’s block is over. In the afternoon, a flirty client visits the office. He tries to get fresh and offers to buy me a drink after work. However, before I could throw away all the professional ethics and accept the offer because I could really use the drink, the guy drops a bombshell! And says, “I like how you don’t use a lot of makeups” in the process of kunitupia ngeli! Did he just say makeups? I could have forgiven him if he used a horrendous word like ‘breasticles’ but makeups? Sorry sir but I am unable to recover from that. I might need melodramatic prayers from 36 jolemos (watu ya maombi) to ease the pain caused by that word. Yeah, the ones I hear sing something like “Chai owang’o ding’a, makate emo resa!” (hot tea burnt my tongue then bread saved me) as they drum kudundu kudundu! So I turn down the drink. That evening, my odeyo (I don’t know how it is called in English) gets burnt as am cooking ugali. Nkt!
On my way to work, I have my earphones plugged in listening to Sauti Sol’s Friendzone. I am probably singing it out loud because I notice the guy with the cute frames who I bump into every morning has walked passed me and has turned back smiling (or was he laughing?). I love Savara’s verse, “East African girl forever, mrembo na unaweza, ananananimaliza mnapoteza member” that’s why I can’t help myself. A certain chic with a very attractive bosom (and I say this as a veeeery straight woman) visits the office. Her girls were threatening to burst through her tight top. I think I was staring at them as I served her, that’s how good they were. Now you can imagine how dudes were going crazy. The smile on her face is a clear indication that she is very aware of the ripples her chest is causing. After lunch I check my email on phone and I find a notification of a new post by Ian Duncan on Misterleft. That makes me so happy and when my colleague Betty, who we now call Dada Betty after a client christened her that name, spots me smiling, she asks me if that is an MPESA message. I tell her it’s a Mister-Left notification and before I can brag that they ever published my article and that the founders are my friends on Facebook, she tells me that I need to demonstrate how I react to an MPESA message if I react like that to a new blog post notification. Later that afternoon, I receive a call from a male client who says, “Agnes girl! It’s been a while!” Did he just call me girl? Dude, we are not girlfriends neither are we related! Chokee!
I pass through Kenyatta Hospital on my way to work as usual. The security guard stops me at the entrance and asks where am headed. I smile and tell him that I am going to the Eye Clinic. “Aaaaiii! Madam, kwani wewe kila siku unaendanga kwa clinic ya macho?” He asks. I realize that my usual lie is stale. “Niachie tu nipite boss.” I reply with a humble smile. “Pita na uache uongo kwanzia leo.” He retorts. I get to work anyway. I listen to King Kaka and Fena’s new jam ‘Run Ting.’ I loooove this one, produced by Ricco Beatz (Ricco am such a fan, how does one get to be your friend? Just asking for a friend) A notification of Shadrack Landi’s new post pops up and before I react, I confirm that Dada Betty is nowhere in the vicinity, then proceed to celebrate. My friend Misare Njagah, posts on Facebook clarifying why he has been MIA. When you have mafans, it is your duty to ensure that you don’t neglect them. We agree to meet up for coffee in the course of the weekend. Today is the Supreme Court ruling day and Kenyans online are going nuts.
I have a work related event to attend. I had invited Cliff and Nyawanda (my cousin and sister respectively). But Nyawanda turned down my invite. Apparently, she chose mum over me. Ni sawa tu. Cliff comes through though. After a long day we get home to a warm welcoming purr from Jay (our cat). Sometimes I feel like this cat should up its welcoming game by running towards me when I get home or something, but unfortunately Jay is too classy (read lazy) to make such sacrifices. I lie on my bed and call my grandma. Her ring back tone is Merimela, coolest grandma right? I am heart broken by the news of the fire accidents in schools. Later that evening, Nyawanda finds me in the kitchen washing dishes as I listen to Paul Clement’s Amenifanyia Amani. She asks me, “Agie, uko sawa? And I tell her am OK. “Ni nini imekufanya leo unaskiza gospel?” Some people treat me like am the Anti-Christ! SMH! Yes, sometimes I take a break from worldly stuff and connect with my Maker. “Niko sawa.” I respond and continue washing dishes. The puzzled look she had on her face morphs into a smirk. A smirk she wears every time she is about to pick a petty fight with me. Next thing I know, “Agie mbona sasa umekunja steelwool?” You see! I told you!
I am woken up by a phone call at 7:30 am. I want to ignore it then call the person later but remember that I have an Okoa Jahazi debt and the nearest shop is 1000 miles away (I live in Kitengela) so I reach out for my phone. The caller is my Ex! Teeeren tereeeen!