On this Sunday night, I was seated in the living room alone at around 10:00pm. My cousins Cecil, Paul Ollando and Don were all outside. Apparently, they were all on phone calls claiming that there was poor network signal in the house. I thought there was something wrong with their phones because I had just received a call from Nyawanda a few minutes ago and the signal was OK. Guys, tuache kubebana akili!
So, I was on the couch fighting sleep because these guys would start making fun of me by saying how I go to bed early like a child and I wasn’t going to give them the pleasure. I whipped out my phone to reread old funny WhatsApp messages. Speaking of WhatsApp, mine has decided that it will only load messages when am connected to WiFi, apparently data bundles just don’t rock it’s boat *long sigh*. If it was a chic, then data bundles would be that dude that is not her type. All am saying is, if I haven’t responded to your WhatsApp message in the last few weeks, don’t blame me, it’s the damn app! So either contribute to the ‘Purchase Agie a New Phone’ kitty (my MPESA line and bank account are functioning optimally by the way so I highly recommend this option), be patient or send me airtime so that I call you back hehehe, sawa?
Anyway, reading those messages led me to the media in my phone and on scrolling through the audios, I came across a phone call that I recorded……accidentally. It was a call I had with my cousin Nyangi a few weeks back. A call so funny, that it made me realize we could be those people walking out here thinking we are normal but we seriously need to see a shrink, juju man or psychiatrist. It sort of made me question the state of my sanity and that of my cousin.
Unfortunately, I can’t upload the call on this site but I will share it’s contents so that anyone who wants to recommend a way forward for us, can do so from an informed point. I also want to state that not everything mentioned in the call (especially by Nyangi, hohoho!) represents the truth. Lastly, note that the accents used shift so read with the correct accent to understand the conversation well. Let me get straight to it.
I was on my way to the salon when I heard my phone ring. The ringtone then was ‘Pull Up (remix)’ by Stonebwoy & Patoranking. Dope jam! It had been my ringtone since 8th January 2017. Everytime I tried to change it, I would get nightmares filled with sad faces of Stonebwoy, Patoranking, Mother Teresa, our local village elder, a couple of socialites, our neighbour’s dog, Jeeii (our cat), Ezekiel Mutua, Dj Khaleed and his son, the president, the opposition leader, Oprah Winfrey, Robert Mugabe, Githeri man, my all time celebrity crush Trey Songz and even worse my entire family (apart from Nyangi, she hated my awesome ringtone). Now who would want to make these guys sad? Especially my crush? Plus I secretly enjoy annoying Nyangi, so it was my ringtone for a huge chunk of this year until when I accidentally changed it and became too lazy to restore it. I sang along to it a little bit before picking up the call to hear:
Nyangi: Ma sweet sister and her forehead. How are you guys doing? (Her greetings are always melodramatic plus she has always been jealous of my sexy forehead, she calls it as if it is a different entity from me).
Me: Fine oh! I just de miss you.
Nyangi: Hehehe! Ma sister it is easy to miss me through words but your actions say nothing ooh!
Me: Aaah! Aaah! How do you mean?
Nyangi: I mean MPESA now! If you miss someone, you send them something yaye!
Me: Sister, you know money is not everything hehehe! But this love I feel for you, is very strong! Ebindu vistrong! (Luhyas, you can correct me later, for now let me have my moment).
Nyangi: Sister this our love is too strong, I have missed you too.
Me: Nothing can separate us!
Nyangi: The love goes skrrrrrrrrra!
Me: Ka ka ka ka ka!
Nyangi: Skidi kum pa pa!
Nyangi: Tialalaaaaaa! Hiaaaaa! (Surely, warathese? We both burst into laughter.)
Me: This madness has to stop. Imagine niko kwa barabara watu sasa wananiangalia.
Nyangi: Hahaha! Wenye wivu wajinyonge! It is di love now! Unaenda wapi?
Nyangi: My fine sister is going to kill am! Please go and look fine for my in-law!
Me: Which in-law?
Nyangi: My in-law sister! Di fine broda. You know him now! Don’t pretend sister! Don’t preteeeeend! (She has been accusing me of being in a secret romance with a certain guy who I won’t mention because he is a reader of this blog).
Me: Are you accusing me of having a secret affair? Please am single! Don’t put me in a relationship owada! Am single! Single since birth! (I noticed the Boda operators in the nearby Boda shade staring at me so I lowered my voice to almost a whisper) Nyangi for the gazillionth time, there is nothing going on between me and …….(I said that I won’t mention his name on this blog post).
Nyangi: Sister don’t pretend! If you love di broda make you confess am! Confess ooh! (She replied in a heavy Nigerian accent) kama umegunduriwo, umegunduriwo! (She shifted to a Kikuyu accent).
Me: Wewe usiniletee!
Nyangi: Please my dear, choose the hairstyle my in-law likes so that when he sees you! Cheeeii! You will just kill di broda softly! Hahaha! (At that point, I could picture her facial expressions and gestures).
Me: Tsk! Unafanya nini sai?
Nyangi: Am just relaxing after kurrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrr rrrrrrrrarua lunch!
Me: Hahaha! Kwani umekula nini?
Nyangi: I prepared some rice and chicken! It was uku dili! (‘Uku dili’ is our slang for ‘delicious’ we normally say it in a Nigerian accent)
Me: No wonder uko na furaha ivi! Umeirarua bila huruma!
Nyangi: Nimerrrrrrr! Ustake jua! Wewe umerrrrrr nini?
Me: Sijarrrrrrrr, nimetambariza ugali na samaki! (Influnce from DJ Afro, he uses that tambariza word a lot in his movies).
(We both burst into laugher again.)
Me: (Amid laughter) lakini kama umerrrr, then I thank God oooh!
Nyangi: I thank him too ooh! (Seriously?)
Me: Lakini Nyangi unakuwanga sawa? (Trying to sound serious.)
Nyangi: Sister! You know me now! Am fine! Too fine for life!
Me: Fine anyhow anywhere! (Luo chics love be praised…..all the time….like their male counterparts, thank me later for my golden tip).
Nyangi: A girl be killing them!
Me: Killing them softly owada!
Nyangi: Tell them! Tell them now!
Me: Jaber moting’re!
Nyangi: Nyathi yom ka budho! Hahaha!
Me: My sugar plum plum! Pretty wow wow!
Nyangi: Jaber ma okwodh ga! Nyar Alego tatien!
Me: Toto si toto ama ukipenda baby isn’t baby!
Nyangi: Sister you have forgotten one thing now!
Me: My egusi and ogbono soup! I can’t forget am!
(We burst into another incessant laugh. I was already at the MPESA shop that neighbors the salon I go to. I leaned against the wall for support as the laugh made me weak. Some passersby were staring at me so I had to wrap things up.)
Me: (Amid laughter) Sweet sister! I kent oooh! I garra go!
Nyangi: I also garra leave. Don’t forget to look fine for my in-law and pass my greetings.
Nyangi: Mumu! Kill am for my in-law! Chokeee!
Me: Alete ng’ombe kwanza! Abeg!!!!
Nyangi; Idiot! In fact bye!
I hung up and proceeded to the salon. Honestly, I don’t know but this girl is just too much yawa! I can’t believe normal people just had that convo! Nyangi I kent my dear! Okanyal yawa nyathiwa! Beloved readers, feel free to recommend a shrink or psychiatrist because I think we could use one. Ama do those ‘Mganga maarufu kutoka Temba’ guys help?