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AM NOT WEIRD MY DEAR NEIGHBOR

I will probably be in the loins of Siaya county by the time you get to read this post.

I moved out of parents’ house a few months ago in a quest to be independent. I did it despite my old man’s reservations (may he rest in peace). You see every weekend Dad and mum would be calling me to give me reasons not spend the weekend at my place. Mum once told me that she wanted me to go home and check out the new onions that she had bought, and because I needed to shop in her kitchen (the onions included), I obliged. The other time Dad asked me pass by and see how our cat Jeeeiii had gained weight. Jeeeiii is part of the family now so her weight gain is a family matter, so I still obliged. The good book tells us to honor our parents.

I spend very little time in my hacienda (that’s how my cousins Deedee and Bero call my house while haters call it an ‘arm stretch’ apartment) hence I interact very little with my neighbors. Well….apart from the neighbor at house number 9, I am in house number 8. He is a skinny dude with a penchant for reggae music. From our interactions which are awkward, most if not all the time, I have noticed that he always gives me a kind of stare that screams “you are weird!” The stare has compelled me to write a letter explaining myself because again, I can’t tell him face to face due to the awkwardness in all our interactions. So without any further ado, let me get straight to it:

Dear Neighbor,

I hope this letter finds you well. It is me, your neighbor from house number 8. The lady who always gets to her house late and rummages through her handbag searching for her house keys like a possessed woman. I decided to pen this down instead of facing you because for some reason, every time we meet something always gets awkward.

Remember that day you found me at the gate talking to myself (so you thought) as I searched for the keys to gate? Well, dude just so we are clear, I was not talking to myself, I was rapping. That happens a lot to hip hop lovers. I can’t remember the song but I was rapping, OK? So spare me that weird stare. I could be the next Khaligraph you know, let a rapper prosper. Respect the OGs! Plus on that very day, I had just found out that the lady who supplies me with ear rings (I have great taste in ear rings by the way), had decided to change her goods to bleaching products! Without notice! Who does that to her clients? Huh? Can you believe she even offered to sell me her bleaching concortions? OK, you may not understand because you are a dude, but can you imagine finding you trusted barber selling Viagra instead of cutting hair? Isn’t that the kind of sh*t that will drive you to talk to yourself? Sorry…… I mean, rap like an OG?

I know you are also shocked by the number of times I do my laundry in a week, but that is what happens to you when you get raised by a clean freak of a mother. Plus cleaning is therapeutic for me. Yes I also know that you think my taste in music is weird. Actually, you always meet me singing. Like that day you caught me singing loudly Njugush’s version of despacito and the day you heard me singing Ameni. Am sure that I annoyed you the day you heard me singing along to J Holiday’s ‘Pimp in Me’ near the kitchen window. I know ……..I sounded like a superstar, I always do, considering I had headphones on. You see, I listen to a pretty diverse range of genres from Jackiwa to Jermaine Dupri, so please don’t look at me like that. I love music a tad too much. I once sang Charlie Puth’s ‘I love you dangerously’ to a hot plate of ugali and omena prepared by myself, for the pleasure of my taste buds and digestive system with lots of love. I then proceeded to attack the meal with the ferociousness of a campus diva twerking for a loaded sponsor. Can you remember the day my cousin Nyangi came visiting and you heard some cultic like chants coming from my house? Breathe easy. We are christians! Damn it!

Now that am clearing my chest, I think it was very unfair that you left your trash at my doorstep that one time. On top of that, you had put them in a Naivas paper bag (of all things) yet NEMA guys are looking for criminals to put in jail! Surely? Is that how neighbors treat each other? Next time just wrap them in banana leaves or something environmental friendly. Anyway, I retaliated by sweeping dirt to your doorstep. I know that tit for tat is a game for fools but at least I did not put you at the mercy of NEMA sporadic inspections. Thank God you have a neighbor who revenges, but with the best of intentions. Remember that night you decided to blast reggae from your speakers as if you were the DJ in a “Yesu Ndio Mpenzi!” Crusade? Well I avenged by playing Mwitu Mbethi the following day. I don’t even know what that song means but we have to agree that it is catchy right? Maybe right now you are planning to attack again now that I have been away, but I think this madness has to stop ama namna gani my fren? 

I think we need to stop using stares to communicate instead, we can use verbal communication. Si we both understand English, Swahili and Sheng’? Imagine, we can put our differences and awkwardness aside and live like good neighbors. We can start by exchanging phone numbers. In fact, I want to present a peace offering by cooking for you my favorite recipe. I don’t cook this meal for anyone and everyone so consider yourself lucky. Let me also take this opportunity to thank you for removing my clothes from the hanging line that one time. I do appreciate your concern. A little birdie told me that you think am weird, well am not. I am a peace loving person with an awesome personality, just ask my friends. So for Pete’s sake, can we just get along dear neighbor?

I will be waiting for your response.

 

Yours faithfully,

Your peace loving neighbor from house number 8 with an awesome personality (I cannot believe that despite my awesomeness someone thinks that am weird)

Agnes.

******************************************************************************************************************

N\B Those guys asking for Nyangi’s number, kindly be patient, I know my sister is one fine ghel with a great personality, lakini kuweni wapole. I will inform you once she is ready to see your applications. In the meantime, keep sending them.

On another note, happy holidays dear readers. Be happy and may God bless you all.

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4 thoughts on “AM NOT WEIRD MY DEAR NEIGHBOR”

  1. Your cat achieved something a dude here is struggling with, gaining weight. Give me the food you feed that cat.
    N again it is very normal for people to talk to themselves, even if you call it rap, we know.
    A super read.

    Liked by 1 person

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