Very long post alert
He asked me to meet him at what used to be our favorite spot back when I was his girlfriend. Cha and I had broken up a few months ago. After a long silence, he reached out to me with the ‘We Need To Talk’ kind of call and I obliged. Some part of me thought that he was finally going to apologize for leaving me when I needed him the most. That he was going to beg for another chance to prove that he could do better. We broke up because he was not there for me at my weakest point and I thought, if he couldn’t be with me in times of pain, then he could get to steppin! But there is something about humans abandoning you when you need them the most, ask the Son of Man and Nakumatt. Here he was, asking for my time and presence. I read somewhere that in every woman’s fantasy, there is man who will break her heart then come beg for forgiveness. Considering the many times Cha’s gargantuan ego made us argue,my fantasy was coming true.
The rendezvous was set for the following Saturday afternoon. I got ready without much fuss like I used to when I was his girlfriend. I just wore my pink skater dress, put on some light make up, styled my long braids into a neat bun and wore black doll shoes…..done! Maybe this below par excitement to get ready was a sign, that this was a bad idea. Actually, it was a bad idea but you can’t convince a woman determined to get an apology from a man she loves. Ah! Ah! You can’t!
I called a taxi and asked the driver to drop me a few meters from the meeting point. I wanted to walk to the building while trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing, despite everything he’d put me through.
“Dear God you have approximately 2 minutes, 48 seconds and 33 milliseconds to stop me from making this mistake! I promised you that I would never give this nigga any time of day or night! Please send me a sign! Here are some ideas Lord, How about someone kidnapping me before I get into the restaurant? Or a random guy faints right here and I have to rush him to hospital? OK then, let me be the one to faint!” I whispered a short prayer as I made my way to the entrance.
But nothing, nobody fainted! Nobody kidnapped me! After all, what would the kidnapper charge as ransom? I was neither a celeb, a scion nor a tycoon. I secretly suspect that God hated me calling one of his children ‘nigga’
He waved his hand at me the minute he spotted me. I walked to him and he welcomed me with a hug, we exchanged greetings, then took seats.
“This place has not changed that much” I attempted to start a conversation.
“You look lovely!” He responded. He was an expert at changing the topic.
“I know.” I retorted, trying to act like that compliment meant nothing.
“You still don’t know how to take compliments. Hehehe! Kwani you don’t come here nowadays?” He asked
“Let’s just say I have n….” I responded before a waiter taking our order interrupted us. This chap must be the employee of the year. The speed with which he flew to our table….eish! I ordered a glass of passion juice and we told the waiter we would call him back when ready to order food. Cha was already taking soda when I came in.
“So you were saying something about this place not changing?” Cha asked
“Yes, I have never been here since we broke up.”
“Why? You hated me so much that you wanted no reminder of me?”
“Don’t flatter yourself honey! I upgraded to better joints.” I replied flipping my rigid bun.
“Are you saying that I am not on your level now?”
“Hahaha! You still suck at getting my humor!” I laughed
“Nkt!!! You got me! Hahaha!”
Now that we were past the awkward start, we went on to talk about how happy we were as a couple. He reminded me of how I went crazy when I suspected that he was cheating on me with his colleague Grace and we laughed at my acts of jealousy. Cha went on to confess how he never liked my friend Mike, ati he always thought Mike had a thing for me. He loathed how I ran to Mike whenever we fought. But that’s just how relationships are. There is always a ‘friend’ waiting for the relationship to fall apart. Then out of the blues Cha said,
“I am so sorry for what happened. I know I hurt you. I left you when you needed me and I feel terrible about it.” He placed his right hand on mine.
Did I just hear my own things? Yaani mraiya amesema pole? Ama are fantasies perambulating in my brain? Huh? I swallowed hard. I wanted to say something but my vocal chords and brain were not cooperating with each other. Actually they were both frozen. Before I could say anything he added,
“Please forgive me. Tell me what you want and I will do it!”
Yaani, not only was I getting an apology, he was willing to do whatever I wanted? Cha? With his ego? A guy who would rather count the number of dust particles in the air than say sorry? Is apologizing? To me? Papa God! You are too much! I was still dumbfounded. I started shaking when he tightened his grip on my hand.
“Please say something.” He begged.
“Well I….ummh.” I mumbled.
“Look I want to be with you. For real!” That sounded so good, so damn sexy. I almost shouted, “yes yes yes”
“Cha…..I … Don’t know what to say.” I managed to say. I hated myself for being so easy. Here was the man who hurt me like he was getting heftily paid for it and I am stammering when he wants me back? Shindwe!! Mapenzi ni sumu!
“I can give you time.” He reassured me looking into my eyes. “My girlfriend and I are having problems and I want you to be with you. We can be lovers behind her back!”
Cheezoz!!!! Ati what? This guy summoned me here to ask me to be his side dish? Si bundles can do that on WhatsApp? How desperate did he think I was? How important is he? How deep was he willing to hurt me? At that point it was clear that coming here was a bad idea! A terrible idea! A motherfucking stupid idea! I wanted somebody to kidnap me and kidnap the feelings I had for Cha! This egomaniac was not just a piece of shit! He is the shittiest part of shit! He was tons of shit, he was shit and the shit hole! A shit hole filled with shit (OK enough).
“I want to order my meal.” I quickly changed the topic to hide my sad face. No. I was not giving him the pleasure of seeing my tears. I had cried enough tears to water an irrigation project in Kitengela over him. Hata sikuskia kulia! I just had to act like I was OK. Maybe this was a prank or a bad dream.
Cha called the waiter and I was quick to order mashed potatoes with minced beef. He was shocked at how quickly I made up my mind. He ordered rice and chicken. The waiter serving us delivered our orders very fast. I told you, this chap must be the employee of the year. Cha went on to tell me how, he still loved me and all that baloney….pfffffft!
“My girlfriend just gave birth to my son. That is why I cannot leave her.” Cha said. My brain had switched off the minute he asked me to be his other woman. That statement was the one that woke me up from my state of shock. He also got another chic pregnant while we were dating? Wah! This guy must think that the sun sets in his beard.
“OK.” I managed to say after a long silence.
“So you accept?”
“No, I am listening to the tales of your girlfriend and son.”
“I know I am not providing the ideal grounds for our relationship to prosper, but I will leave her as soon as our baby is grown enough. I will make you my main chic”
Did he just put ‘our relationship’ and ‘prosper’ in the same sentence? As if being the main chic came with a badge of honor. Maybe it was a guaranteed ticket to heaven. Angel Gabriel, please enlighten me, will I go to heaven if I accept this deal? I wanted to stab him and yank off his eyeballs. But before I could lose my mind he asked,
“Babe you haven’t touched your food. Are you OK?”
“Oh, sorry I was so carried away by your story, I didn’t notice my food was getting cold.” I replied sarcastically. But this dimwit was too blind to notice.
“Then eat up.” He urged me.
At that point I stood up and smashed my plate onto his face. It was a reflex action.
“You can shove that down your filthy gut!” I yelled at him. I momentarily enjoyed the site of him struggling to see through the mashed potatoes gliding down his visage. Before he could recover from the shock, I added the remaining passion juice. I had already attracted the attention of the other customers and staff. The employee of the year was quick to run towards our table.
“Madam what is wrong with you?” The waiter bellowed.
“Nothing. He will pay the bill don’t worry.” I replied gently tapping Cha’s shoulder.
I then reached for my handbag and walked out. I had never felt that liberated. I felt like a Bollywood action movie star walking away in slow motion after bombing the enemy’s headquarters. Like Olivia Pope, the fixer after working her magic. I felt like the shit!
The minute, I stepped out, I realized I was alone. I couldn’t win back the man I loved. So when the idea of hitting my favorite bar visited my brain, I executed it gladly. I quickly took a taxi and asked the driver to drop me at Crustys Bar. I couldn’t have the man I wanted but at least I could get the drink I wanted, aye? Things were not so bad after all. I got into the bar and noticed that the place was a bit too crowded for an afternoon. We are indeed a drinking nation, why are there so many people at this bar and it’s not yet 5:00 pm? Maybe people had come to watch a football match or something of the sort, I didn’t care. I went straight to the counter.
“What will you have?” The barman asked
“What is the best drink for a woman who is always picking the wrong man?” I asked.
“OK let me rephrase the question, what is the best drink for a woman who is stupid enough to think her ex has changed?”
“Sorry for making your work difficult. Just get me a bottle of Jack Daniels….and ice.” I apologized after realizing that I was taking out my anger on an innocent man.
The barman obliged and before I could finish sipping my second glass, I heard a voice,
“Hi there gorgeous?” Yaani it’s not even 4:00pm but this team mafisi member is already working? He must be an early riser. Who even taught him about pickup lines? ‘Hi gorgeous’ is as fresh as the medieval era son! Get your ass schooled! I turned to face him. He was a tall, dark guy with a scruffy beard. His eyes looked like those of a person who lived in the bar.
“Get lost!” I ordered him.
“Heeey, don’t be like that.”
“Mean babe. Don’t be mean. But I like you already! Feisty little thing!”
“No you don’t!”
“OK, you are entitled to your own opinion.”
“Get lost dude!”
“Must be that time of the month huh?” I think he was trying to be funny. Such a lame joke!
“Oh, so you know about that time of the month? How do your ovaries act at that time? Mine twerk! Faster than Sidika’s booty on raunchy music video”
“You are really sick in the mind!” He replied walking away. He could not get ice queen to groove to his vibes, poor thing.
“And this is not a clinic doc! This is a bar! A freaking bar!” I yelled at him as he left.
I turned back to my drink and that’s when it hit me, I had changed. “How did I get here? How did I fall so hard for a man who was so hard to love? I just chased away a harmless dude! Am I becoming bitter?” I wondered. But hey, I gave Cha a chance. An opportunity to make things right. You can never say I didn’t try? Can you?
The next time you spot me rolling me eyes all the way to Gaza and back just know that another brother man has dropped the L word on me and I AM NOT BOARDING his love ship.
And as far as love is concerned, it’s official, I GIVE UP!
Dear reader, please note that this story is a product of my overactive imagination. It may have some exaggerated truths but who cares? So don’t start sending me those ‘Ombea Adui Yako’ audios or those ‘You Deserve Better Quotes’ on WhatsApp hihihi! Niko sawa.
Moving on, my sister Nyawanda caught me red handed using her dirty T-shirt to wipe my legs and just like that I was slapped with two fines i.e. an inconvenience fee and a dirtifying fee of 1000/= each. Hata pia mimi sielewi warris happening. It’s funny how people always imagine that firstborns are never broke *deep sigh*
But she can get away with that because over the weekend she had us (Kavevi, Petty Brat and I) indulging in some of the most delicious home made treats. Long live Chef De Cuisine! Nyawanda, you are God sent.
Na wale wananiconfuse na Rihanna juu ya forehead *coughs*Lewis Martin*coughs*. Please! I am Agnes Opondo najua tunafanana.
Have a lovely week.