He has painfully watched me pick the wrong guys over him. I always pick the wrong ones. The ones mama warned me about. The ones who broke my heart like they were being paid. The ones who stood me up more than once on dates. The ones who appeared to be ‘prince charming’ yet they turned violent and made me their punching bag. The ones who lied to me that I was only SIM card in their phones kumbe their phones were dual SIM. The gas lighters who thrived on my insecurities and wrecked my self-esteem. He has seen me give such guys tons of chances. Chances to prove that they had changed. That they loved me enough to treat me better. That they would do anything to make things right. To make thing work. Funny thing is, that they always screwed up ever after the umpteenth chance. Sometimes I felt like I was an asshole magnet. Can you blame me?
But him…… I shoved aside. I never saw him as a man capable of waking my carnal desires. I did love him, but not like that. I couldn’t see him like that. Not because I secretly knew that we were related because we were not, but I just could not love him like that. Period! I could not summon my feelings to see him as more than a friend. I don’t know whether to blame my heart or brain or hormones. Ama what makes us have feelings for the people we love? May be he was not my type… I don’t know. We were friends ……good friends. We hanged out a lot, liked the same things. He made me laugh a lot and I made him laugh harder. You should have seen how my lame jokes made him roar with laughter. That kind of boosted my ego hehehe! He always told me that I was the light in his dark tunnel. That my voice made his racing heart feel at ease. That he wanted to marry a woman like me. I always laughed at those kind of words from him because I pretended not to know what he meant. Don’t blame me, I have always been passive aggressive.
At times I hated myself for not falling in love with a decent chap like him. I wanted to want him like that, but I just could not. And it still frustrates me baaaad. It still makes me feel like the wicked witch in the story. I recently told him to stop declaring his love for me. I begged him to find someone else because he deserved nothing but the best. He deserves a good woman, the one who will love him right back with even more intensity. The one who will dress sexy for him, the kind of woman who will drive him crazy with desire, the one who will be willing to sacrifice anything for him. A woman who will laugh at his jokes and know how to make his favorite meal. He deserves a woman who will bear him children, children who will have a kind heart like his. A woman who will offer him solutions and peace of mind. A woman with a great mind and a loving soul. And that woman is not me! I love him, but not like that.
What breaks my heart even more is that he thinks I am scared of love. That is why I have turned him down. But I have been hurt severally so what is there to fear? Every time I remember how he stood by me in times of despair, how he always believed in me when I doubted myself, how he loved me with all my flaws then I know that I owe him nothing but the truth. That even if it hurts, he needs to know that I love him as a friend. That I tried to feel the same way but I failed terribly! Some people will call me out and tell me that I am an invidious snob who ‘friendzoned’ a good man. That I am not getting any younger and if I put up with this ‘nonsense’ I will lose a decent man. Good people are hard to come by nowadays. I know better.
So if you see him, tell him that I care. That I love him. Tell him that I still need him in my life. That I still want us to hang out over frozen yogurt on my kitchen counter. That I still want to sample his cooking, he whips some kick ass recipes by the way. If you spot him at his favorite local downing some beer, tell him that he deserves a woman who will love him right. If you meet him in the streets tell him that he is a good man and that many women dig his kind of height so finding a new date would not be so hard. Tell him that he has a killer smile that we will have dem fine ghels drooling, he just needs to flash it a bit more. Please remind him that I love him so much! And assure him that I will always be there whenever he needs me. Tell him that his silence of late hurts me, but if that’s what he needs to fall out of love with me, then I will totally respect it. But most importantly if see him, tell him that I would rather be his best friend than be the woman who wasted his time.
If you see him tell him, I care enough to tell him the truth.