Life in my hacienda is good. Fantastic actually! I love the freedom it has offered me to do a lot of stuff away from people’s judgmental eyes. Like, I can doea my neighbor’s good music. I actually sing along and dance to the loud music that he plays. Nowadays the brother man be serving nothing but the best RnB. Please refer to ‘I am Not Weird My Dear Neighbor’ I think he got tired of roots and reggae. Ama kuna mdada anamrogaroga! I can also mourn the engagement of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle in private. She ruined my chances of becoming a princess. Yaani, after our passionate, one way romance (as in I was alone in the relationship) with the prince, I lost my one true love to her! I also don’t have to explain to anyone why I go bed with a beautiful, pink, satin headscarf neatly tied on my head only to find it under the bed in the morning! You Tube influencers can you explain why that happens? You are the same guys who recommended satin anyway. I also love how I can have weird combos for supper. I will not give examples…. my crush could be reading this.
The best part of life in my hacienda, is my morning ritual. I am not a morning person. I struggle to get up in the morning and this weather has not been of any help. So I have a ritual that gets me ready to face the day. The ritual involves lots of activities like; Lip-syncing to an AKA or Beyonce song in the mirror (I can rap or have my own Coachella performance now, can’t I?), modelling in heels as I admire my sexy legs (yaaas! I got ‘em from my mama) which I don’t end up wearing anyway, making funny faces at the mirror as I dress for work and twerking….. I only twerk on Fridays… actually, on the last Friday of every month… OK, never mind. For a longtime, I thought that the worst thing that ever happened to me in my house was the day that my cooking gas and lip balm collaborated to get finished on the same day and I was broke AF! But I was wrong! Dead wrong!
So I was having a lazy morning on a certain Saturday. I finally managed to get up hours later. As I was cleaning my dishes, I noticed some movement behind the kitchen window curtains. Curious, I drew the curtains only to be met with a rat! A freaking rat! Screams escaped my mouth as I ran out calling for help. I found myself knocking vigorously at Mary’s (one of my neighbor’s) door. She was still in her pajamas, a clear sign that I was not the only person having a lazy morning.
“Sasa my dear? Unaogopa panya?” I managed to ask amid breaths of panic.
“Hapana, kwa nini?” Mary replied.
“Aki Mary kuja tu unisaidie. Kuna panya kwangu and I can’t live with it!” I shrieked.
“Unataka kuiua ama kufukuza tu?”
“I just want that motherfucker out of my house! I am not a murderer!” I answered dramatically.
“Sawa. Twende” Mary replied trying to hide her urge to laugh at me.
We got to my house and Mary managed to scare that pesky invader out. I thanked her profusely and even offered her a cup of tea which she declined. Nothing had ever prepared me for an invasion in my hacienda!
A few days later, I was savoring a delicious cup of lemon tea in the evening when I noticed a rat on the floor staring at me. The nerve of this pesky invader! I thought rats like to hide but this dimwit was staring at me! I fucking had eye contact with the damn thing! I tried to scare it away but it stood there, unshaken. I think it was trying to tell me to firmly place my lips on its butt cheeks, nilambe lolo if I wanted it gone. I quickly texted my small sister Kavevi,
“Aki imagine kuna panya kwangu!”
“Woi inatoshana aje?”
“At least ni baby rat, si mama rat.”
“Wow! Thanks a lot for your useful insights!”
She then replied with tons of LOL emojis. Kavevi can be so helpful at times. Plus I deserved that for being a bad big sister. Big sisters are not supposed to fear anything, at least when it comes to their younger siblings! I really wanted to catch that stupid rat, squeeze the guts out of it and send it straight to its maker lakini wapi? I found myself running to Mary’s house but she was not in. I panicked and ran to Dama’s house (another neighbor). At Dama’s, I found Mary there, yeeeeees! I quickly narrated to them my quagmire and Mary offered to kick out the rat after the udaku that had sent her to Dama’s. I also love udaku so I joined them and after we were done, Sweet Mary helped me get the ballsy, lousy, pesky rat out. I still fail to understand how that rat thought that I would live with it! It can’t even offer to chip in the rent and household expenses but it can afford to maintain eye contact with me! The nerve! Funda!
After Mary’s expert services, I turned my house upside down to confirm that the ballsy rat did not bring any companion. I then made an official and dramatic complaint to the landlord (very cool chap by the way) who hired fumigation services. Kumbe I was not the only one who had encountered this pesky rodents. I also sealed all the possible openings that could allow in rats. Finally, I got some holy water from the nearby church, I could really use the Holy Spirit’s help! That is when I realized, I couldn’t live like that anymore! I need to get married! My heart can’t bear another rat invasion! No! Haiwezi yawa! Are you an unmarried man searching for a wife? Are you ready to settle down? Look no more, just inbox me your application. I think mama has sent the signal, and it is crystal clear! This must be it!
In the meantime, wedding services vendors can be sending me their packages so that by the time I am done short listing the husband applications, I can get straight to the wedding plans. Wale wakunegotiate dowry get your outfits ready because I might be contacting you very soon. Those who want to know all the developments of wedding plans can follow me on twitter @Agitah_ Hi Sam Ndori! And on Instagram at Agie Opondo. Si mnifollow tu aki guys. As for the husband applicants kama unaogopa panya, as in if you are scared of rats, don’t even bother because there will be auditions on how you react when you see a rat. I am bringing a lot to the table by the way. A fine ghel who is the ultimate package si ati niko na demands mingi. Utaskia hater akisema ati pia naogopa mende!
May the best husband win!
Dear reader, please note that the writer penned this story under duress caused by her fear for rats. Marriage ni wewe! She is still her mother’s baby, yaani mtoto wa mama. Lakini ze fine brodas hehehe!
My dear neighbor Mary, may God bless you hun!
Happy Labor Day guys!