Fiction

STUCK IN THE MUD

This was not how I hoped to meet him, I had various fantasies of how I wanted him to walk into my life:

Scenario 1

I would be walking down a relatively busy street on a beautiful sunny morning. Lost in my own thoughts as usual, dressed in lovely floral print dress and masaai sandals with a black tote bag swinging on my right shoulder. All of a sudden, someone would hit me and scatter the contents of my bag. Just before I hurl some unprintables at the idiot, I would be graced by a magnanimously handsome face. He would be apologizing for his carelessness but I wouldn’t hear a thing because I would be so carried away by his gorgeous small eyes. I would apologize back after realizing that my stare was beginning to get rude. Together, we would pick up my stuff and he would ask me about the novel I am reading when handing it to me. It would probably be a Tony Mochama book or Biko Zulu’s Drunk or maybe a book by Yvonne Adhiambo Owuor. He would then tell me that he loves books by Kenyan writers too and invite me to a public reading of some Kenyan writer’s book that would be happening the following week. Aaaaaaw! Isn’t that romantic? Well save that baloney for Hollywood chic flicks!

Something similar happened to me last week in the busy Nairobi CBD. The difference was that none of us apologized, there was no staring, no invites, no novels, not a goddamn atom of courtesy! Instead, he yelled

“Watch where you are going missy! And have your glasses checked!”

“You too shithead! Have your eyes and cranium checked! FYI! These glasses are designer you uncultured swine! Fucking designer!” I yelled back.

 

Scenario 2

I would be attending an event. The fancy kind that have dress codes and shit. Because, I can be such a time waster, I would get late to the event and the only vacant seat would be the one next to him. We would steal naughty glances at each other, then later exchange numbers. His charm would be irresistible! And the day I would discover that we have a mutual love for Wow Salted Rings, the deal would be signed and sealed! Next thing I know, he would be meeting my mama!

Reality is, the last time I attended such an event, I bumped into my one of my exes! We broke up after I found out that he was tracking my periods using an app on his phone! TF! And the dimwit showed up with his annoying girlfriend, who told me that she loved the curve of my butt! Chezoz!!! I felt sexually harassed, I did not like the way she was checking out my ass. It was some creepy ass shit! As if that was not enough, she kept telling me, “We have a lot in common, we should be friends!” and the whole time I was thinking, “Nyi nya nyanyot nyi nyonyon nyi nyu nye nyiends! Aaaaargh! Friends makachieth?” 

 

Scenario 3

I would be having a coffee rendezvous with my crazy friend Anita. Because she is such a pain, Anita would dare me to go and get the number of the cute guy at the nearby table. I would refuse because I hate such stupid dares. She would then walk to his table and tell him, “my friend over there likes you buddy. Why don’t you take your shot?” Then rest would be beautiful romantic history. How exciting right?

Truth of my life is that I rarely go to coffee shops, because coffee is not really my cuppa. Plus I know how to make local cappuccino, espresso and latte from the comfort of my kitchen. I make really good coffee by the way, ask my friends.  Also, I prefer tea, lemon tea to be precise. Nothing beats a cup of lemon tea after a long day at work. Thank me later.

I could continue giving you more scenarios but let’s cut the chase. Nothing ever prepared me for the way we met. I sometimes feel like cupid was unfair to me on that day! He should have given me a sign. I wanted to be a little more prepared, but oh well! I was headed home after a long day at work. Crazy deadlines, stubborn clients, ballsy matatu touts and menstrual cramps aaarrrgh! I had also been rained on and the fact that there was a lot of mud on road to my house as it was being constructed, made me more miserable! So while making my way through the mud, I blurted:

“Which bloody contractor in his right mind decides to fix a road during the rainy season?”

“I also wonder!” A deep voice from behind me replied. I turned back to see who it was and there he was. A tall, handsome man wearing a black trench coat and black trousers tucked in his boots. He had a full beard and smile on his face.

“That was a rhetorical question.” I replied.

“I know, but you sound so sure.” He answered getting closer.

“Sure? Of what?” I asked.

Of the fact that roads should not be fixed during the rainy season. Are you a civil engineer or something?”

“No but my late father was a contractor.”

“Sorry for that.”

“Don’t be. We are all gonna die one day! Anyway being raised by a contractor doesn’t mean that I know of the best season to fix a road. I just hate the mud. If the contractor had fixed this road during a dry season, we would have a lot of dust. But I prefer the dust to the mud or do you enjoy gully creeping to your house sir?”

“Hahaha! Call me Austin.”

“OK Austin, nice meeting you but I have to go.”

“But wait I thought we would walk together. Plus you haven’t told me your name!”

“You never asked.”

“OK but I am asking you now.”

“Asking me what? My name or if we could walk together”

“Your name!”

“Then ask.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“What?”

“OK, what’s your name?”

“Why do want to know?”

“Did you know that replying a question with another question is a sign of being rude?”

“Aren’t you the one who has been responding to my questions with questions?”

Grabbing my right hand, “Let me ask you one more time lovely lady, what is your name?”

“Grace.” I replied withdrawing my hand from his grip

“So Grace, you needed me to call you ‘lovely’ for you to tell me your name?”

“Is there anything wrong with that?”

We continued walking while talking about a lot of stuff. He had a great sense of humor and he kept laughing at my jokes. There is something special about a guy who laughs at your jokes, trust me. He offered to walk me to my house then get back to his.

Cupid must have started working over time because I kept bumping into him a lot after that evening. At some point we exchanged numbers and nowadays we talk a lot. He is a cool chap, just my type but I hate how fast I am falling for his charm. How I find it hard to say no to his smile. Normally, when I realize I am beginning to catch feelings for a new guy, I sermon myself to the mirror and try to talk myself out of it. In this serious but mostly futile meeting with my reflection, I usually try to point out all the disadvantages of falling in love. You know they say that the human brain never sleeps but it stops working when someone falls in love or dies. I prefer a functional brain.

I am typing this after a coffee date with him. I want to say that the date was just average but truth is, it was the best date ever! I am in it again! Stuck in the mud of his charm.

*************************************************************************************

Before I wrap up this post, I want to send out a shout out to super producer Vicky Pon Dis from Simba Sounds. Last week I shared on my WhatsApp status how much I love DK Kwenye Beat’s song Kwa Yesu Sawa and Vicky quickly commented “I produced that beat!” Hehehe! It was written by Moji Short Baba from Kelele Takatifu and the BGVs done by singer Guardian Angel and super producer Magix Enga. Keep manufacturing more good music.

I also want to send another super special shout out to our neighbor’s son, Nick for helping my mum rush my small sister Kavevi to hospital last Saturday at around 4 am. We don’t take for granted the kindness you and you family have extended to us from day one. God bless you guys! Kavevi get well soon, I miss getting on your nerves already.

Have a great week ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “STUCK IN THE MUD”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s