Rant

IT IS OFFICIAL! I AM RIPE FOR MARRIAGE

First of all I can’t believe that this is happening to me again! OK here is a story, remember this post here? Last Sunday after getting into my bed, I heard some noises from my closet. I muted the volume of my phone as I was watching some vines on IG just to confirm that I was not hearing my own things, and once again I heard the noises. Now here is the thing about living alone, unexpected movements and noises when you are home alone can be your worst nightmare. “Oh not again! Not a rat again Lord! I told you I was not ready for this! Wait… What if it is a snake? Fuck no! Please signal my mum to come pick I am scared” I thought to myself.

My thoughts were interrupted by a call from my former neighbor Peter. Actually that call startled me and as I received it, the idiot said,

“Jirani!”

“Peter I am no longer your neighbor! Plus what time is this you are calling me? Do you realize you have just annoyed my bae?” I asked.

“Bae mgani?” He mocked.

“Babe hebu tell this guy to address me with the respect I deserve! (I pretended to have a companion) Sorry Peter my bae does not speak to idiots.”

“Agie do you realize that I am calling you from an iPhone?”

“So?” I rolled my eyes

“Mind your tone!” He laughed.

“Aki lakini for real hata salamu huna?” I asked.

“Sasa Agie? How are you?”

“Niko salama. Just wondering why you moved out. Do you know that there is a rat in my closet? And I am terrified of it? Sasa nani atanitolea hii panya kama umehama?” I asked hoping that he would sympathize with me.

“Agie! Please get a boyfriend kama watu wengine, uwache kunisumbua akili! We have bigger problems as a nation.” He retorted.

Hata sikuskia vibaya! Jesus is my boyfriend! Anyway Peter and I talked about a lot of stuff. He asked me about my health (aaaww!) and a bunch of other things like how life without him as my neighbor (rolls eyes), how I survive without an iPhone (rolls eyes again) and how I handle the many people who ask me why he moved out (rolls eyes again then plucks eye balls from their sockets and rolls them on the table). Peter you are not missed at all! Hata ploti siku hizi imetulia juu hizo drama zako haziko.

Back to the rat, I let it enjoy the warmth of my closet for 24 hours as I strategized on how to get rid of it. The whole time I kept wondering why rats were allowed into Noah’s ark. Actually why were they created in the first place? Please enlighten me dear God or send Angel Michael to reveal this to me. Rodentologists (if there is something like that) please tell me in excruciating detail, what role do rats play in the well-being of the Eco system? Mbikos I don’t understand!

I was being nice to this intruder I was letting it live in my house, without charging it a dime! This idiot didn’t know how hard I hustle to foot the bills in my hacienda and still had the nerve to show its face and long tail to my face on Tuesday morning as I was getting a pair of socks to wear with my boots! The chutzpah! Allogant! I let it stay in the closet where I put my expensive designer hand bags and Versace bed sheets! When it was homeless I opened my door (OK it sneaked in) but you get the point! So on Tuesday evening, I was done! I was done with its noise! I was so done! I stood in front of the mirror for 30 minutes  giving myself words of encouragement like, “Agnes you can do this! Just open the closet scare it outside! In whatever you do, don’t kill it mbikos you are not a murderer! You got this! Your father did not raise a coward!” Let’s just say that the prep talk did not work. So I called my other neighbor’s girlfriend for help and she said that she feared rats so she asked her boyfriend to do it. My neighbor walked into my house armed with a broom ready to get rid of that allogant and lubbish piece of intruder! He managed to do it, Please believe me when I say that I begged him not kill it but ze boy child was ruthless, he sent that rat straight to its maker. I thank him profusely as he left. And yes, he found it funny that I feared the rat. I overheard him laughing with his girlfriend!

Can you believe that the stupid rat also feasted on the decorative leather strips on one of my favourite handbags. As if that was not enough it also ate the lace on the lingerie yenye nilikuwa nimenunua kuvalia mzee! Wora shame! Allogant! Lubbish! But I will still get married! I am now fully convinced that I am ripe for marriage! Applications zitambe teketeke! No jokers please! Oh and I still find the matuta, lubbish & allogant memes hilarious. If you know you know.

Disclaimer: The writer is still her mother’s baby. She wrote this piece under duress. Msifunze mtoto tabia mbaya!

Vijana tuwache mihadarati. Nasema tuwache mihadarati.

Simple Boy

Kenyan Musician,

 

Have a blessed week.

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18 thoughts on “IT IS OFFICIAL! I AM RIPE FOR MARRIAGE”

  1. Hahaha! I told you you’d miss me. I know you do but kiboory can’t let you admit it. But I miss you too, ex-neighbor. But then again, I love my new place more. No rats, no neighbors with egos as inflated as their foreheads, no water shortages and most importantly, I have a living room and a bedroom.
    Regarding your shenanigans with rodents, I wish I can relate but I can’t. Too fly fo that. Be grateful Dan and Bree came to your rescue. Oh, just a reminder: when you ask for help, you lose all the rights to dictate how boychild deals with the perpetrator. It is uncouth. Sit down and watch.
    About your ripeness for matrimony, well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the gods say you’re not. Until you learn to answer my calls and greet me with the respect that my designation as Plesdent Kingston demands, your husband to be will continue suffering akinyonga monkey while you disrupt loving neighbors with tales of rodents gnawing on your imaginary designer wear meant for an imaginary husband.
    Ni hayo tu kwa sasa.
    Sent from iPhone 📱.

    Liked by 1 person

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