THE AGENT

female-spy

“It’s over!” That was the last thing I told him over the phone. He screwed up! This was the millionth shot we were giving this relationship to see if it would work yet you cheat? Again? With a different chic? The chutzpah! Cupid must have been high on Snoop Lion’s weed when he sent this one my way. Dude was the epitome of the modern-day jerk! I mean if jerks ever had an association, he would be the freaking chairman, board and legal counsel! If they ever held demonstrations demanding for equal rights, yet they are jerks, this chap here would be their Sossion or better yet Atwoli leading them as they carry placards in the streets chanting “Haki Yetu! Haki Yetu!” Our 2-year-old flame fell from its zenith to its death-bed a long time ago but I held on to it like my life depended on it, but that fateful day, I got fed up and bounced.

Being a normal chic, I had to vent out my frustrations. Finding out bae has been taking you for a ride via his social media account is not my idea of fun. Who cheats and puts the picture of the cheatee (sorry I don’t know the appropriate word to address the other woman let’s just use this name for this read only) online? Dude we dated for 2 years and never did you ever post a pic of me! Wait was I the other woman? I would hope not. So I got home and the tears I had been trying to hold back jet out my tear glands el nino style. My roommate who also happens to be an agent, a call agent to precise tried to console me lakini wapi? I cried my eyes out they almost fell off. Sobs graduated to loud wails. The pain caused by a love gone awry was brutal! But this post is not even about that cheater and cheatee. They don’t even deserve even a featured role in this story. This one is about the agent who was to consoling me.

I call her Nyangi which is coined from Anyango. She is my roommate and cousin. Works as a call agent for a top corporate, but just between me and you, I think she should have been a CIA agent or a private investigator instead. Chic can find out anything and everything about anyone she sets her mind on. So when I told her that I was single again because I was cheated on, she advised that we should get to know the other woman……well, carry out independent investigations. Now let me make it very clear that this was totally her idea…… ok, and a lit bit of my curiosity. Like 90% of her and 10% of me. We started by conducting online research. No doubt Cheatee was fine! (No homo) at least the jerks’ chairman had taste. Kwanza her insta was lit. She had over 1000 followers while I was struggling with my 2 digit figure number of followers. Enyewe life is unfair! However like I said that this story was not about them so to cut the story short, we were able to find out tons about the cheatee – the kindergarten she attended, her pet’s middle name(yes it has three names), her bra size and even that our grandmothers could have possibly bathed in the same river. Knowledge is power folks, am sure one day I will need this information.

Back to the star of the story, I have tried telling her that her true calling is being an investigator but she just laughs it off and calls me crazy. Do you even realize how lucrative this business is in this era of Kilimani mums, philandering spouses, jilted lovers and deadbeat fathers? Anyway she is still an amazing soul. God sent her to my life as an angel in human form. Through her I have been able to afford a smile even in the worst of times. Her kind eyes have shown me rays of hope in the darkest of tunnels.

Nyangi is the accessory guru. Most of the statement earrings I own are gifts from her (thank you dear). She is never scared to call me out and tell me when the dress is too short for the office or when I put a little too much salt in the stew. Speaking of stew, this lady makes kick ass chicken stew and her grilled pork, is to die for. Me thinks she should marry a Luhya because the tasty chicken she will serve him, will make him never yearn another. The agent is a hopeless romantic. She still believes that guys like dreamy Alejandro exist and that she is yet to meet hers! While I fantasize about how awesome my life will be when writing finally starts raking in good money, she dreams of how she will have a large family filled with lots of love and happiness. I could bet my entire year’s salary on that she will make a great mum and wife.

The detective is a great listener and for that reason, she is my confidante. Heck! Even if I didn’t make her my confidante, she would still find out everything about me so I have no choice. She has seen my other side and is cool with my crazy. Now ladies and gentlemen, such people are definitely keepers. Her favorite past time is making fun of the size of my eyes. Let me tell you something about my paternal family, 90% of us have gargantuan eyes. The ones that look like they could fall off the socket upon the slightest eye movement. A gene grandpa passed down to us with lots of love (rest in peace Senior Chief Opondo). I don’t know where she was when grandpa was giving us his mark of Opondo authenticity (big eyes) so I will forgive the jokes she makes on my eyes (probably she is just jealous).

We have been inseparable from childhood, maybe it’s because she is the comedienne and am the audience. This chic has such a sense of humor that can make even the grumpiest of people laugh so hard. There are times I have tried to stay mad at her only to burst into laughter 3 seconds later. She can be a pain and a relief at the same time. I don’t know how she does it. I can only stay mad at her for seconds and boy, she takes advantage of that all the time! Believe me, a sense of pride inundates me whenever she laughs at my jokes, I mean, she is the clown. We have loads of inside jokes that make me laugh so loudly alone especially when am cruising in my sleek footsubishi from work that I end up looking like a non-compos mentis. Her madness is contagious and I don’t need a cure from it

She is the queen of plots who always has the ultimate weekend strategy and because her social life is livelier than mine, she tags me along like a woman carries her purse. I envy how quickly she makes friends unlike me the reclusive girl who wants to analyze people as if am studying Geo-physics and brain surgery combined before I welcome them to my circle of friends. Our club Keja sessions are the bomb! (I am always the designated DJ). Her vocabulary contains words like mbaibe, mraiya and mbaaaaaya mbovu I wish I could attach a voice note of her saying the latter so that you hear how she says it. It’s downright, hilarious. When describing an encounter with a hot dude she will say, “sister di broda na fine fine, anyhow anywhere!” Too much Naija films.

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I know there are many things about me that she does not understand, like for instance why a petite chic like me takes such a long time in the shower or even why I spend time online reading and rereading blog articles from Mister Left and Biko Zulu, post by post and category by category instead of doing more important things like online research (her specialty), but she keeps it 100 with me. I am blessed and lucky to have you in my life dear. Family is not optional but friendship is a privilege. Thank you for wearing so many hats in my life: friend, cousin, roommate, confidante, partner in crime, sister, love matters counsel, chef de cuisine, stylist etc. Pewa chupa mzima ya kavodo juu ya iyo story! Sorry you don’t use alcoholic drinks, pewa sprite ya madiaba basi! Keep those funny tales of ondangchotha and those morning hugs coming. They make my days like you have no idea. My prayer is that you live long to see your great-grandchildren who will be little darlings just like you and for the love of God! Please reconsider your career path nyako! Jaber matunda, jaber mok kwodh, ko kwodho to oduma duma Pk fresh breath moments! Nyasaye ogwedhi Nyalego!

One more thing, why do you like putting your hand around my neck so tightly whenever we pose for selfies? What’s your deal? You trying to strangle me, huh? Change your ways! Abeg!

P.s. The last Dholuo joke was copied from her. Let me credit my sources lest I get sued for plagiarism.

Photo: COURTESY

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